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HERR VON STUCK'S
HOT GOSSIP PAGE

Franz Von Stuck (1863-1928), the Symbolist painter, who had the good fortune to attempt to teach art
to some of the German Expressionist 'Die Brucke' painters, has risen from the dead
and has insisted on running our gossip page.

INDEX OF GOSSIP ITEMS:

First Stuckist baby (19.9.04)

Quote of the Year (Tate) (16.9.04)

Stella Vine off on one (18.8.04)

Wolf Howard Painting Banned (7.8.04)

Stella Vine married Billy Childish (11.7.04)

MOT Gallery improved text
(19.5..04)

Saatchi Visits Stuckism
(15.5..04)

Shark time again
(14.5..04)

Stella Vine comes out fighting
(7.5..04)

Stella Vine's art goes downhill
(28.4.04)

Cathy Lomax is not pleased
(28.4.04)

MOT Gallery vomit text
(29.3.04)

Saatchi is a cunt - who said it?
(24.3.04)

Has McArdle flipped?
(22.3.04)

Stella Vine hits back
(9.3.04)

Private Eye - Serota anagram
(20.2.04)

Ella bruised
(19.5.03)

Hoxton Gallery sued for 5 Billion
(11.3.03)

14 men on toilets
(15.2.03)

In or out of love (21.1.03)

Charles Saatchi, Tracey Emin, the Stuckists agree
(10.12.02)

Stuckism two in a million (5.12.02)

Stuckism no. 1 out of 594,000 (8.11.02)

Stuckist single a hit somewhere in Canada
( 28.10.01)

Stella Vine gets married
20.8.01)

Is Joe Crompton 16 years old yet? (18.6.01)

Giggly girls docco on e4 TV (gossip: 18.6.01)

Hidden pictures (gossip: 02.4.01)

Caught in the act (gossip: 10.5.01)

The Turnip Prize (gossip:11.3.01)

Stuckist wallpaper
(1 March 2001)

Elsa gets it in Pariliament(28 February 2001)

Sex sex sex! (26 January 2001)

Caravan Orgy (3 November 2000)

Serota goes shopping (30 October 2000)

Thomson upsets Ranko (25 October 2000)

Chuck's angels spotted again? (2 October 2000)

Tate Intelligence Show - record attendances (23 September 2000)

Mr Serota rejects Ranko (23 September 2000)

Joe Crompton on the move man (23 September 2000)

Is Sexton Ming leaving Stuckism? (23 September 2000)

Royal Academy horror show (23 September 2000)

Tracey Emin & Charles Saatchi - kiss and sell (18 July 2000)

More on the jumping Chinese gentlemen (25 May 2000)

Charles Thomson and mystery women (19 May 2000)

Tracey Emin and a mystery man (18 April 2000)

Stuckism leads: Jopling follows (16 April 2000)

Is it art? - Serota annoyed (16 April 2000)

Tate promotes anti-Stuckism (06 April 2000)

Tate wants your views! (16 March 2000)

The Arts Club(28 Feb 2000)

Gary Hume's crap(24 Feb 2000)

Stuckism on course(24 Feb 2000)

Matthew Collings misses out(24 Feb 2000)

23.6.09
WHERE THE TATE MONEY GOES

On 23.6.09, Tate Members received an email with a subject heading of "Expect the unexpected at Tate" and the image shown right (albeit without the last three lines of text) plus a "donate" button and a "where your money goes" button. Clicking the latter shows a picture of the Chapman Family Collection, which was sold to the Tate for £1,500,000 by Charles Saatchi, who bought it from the White Cube gallery for £1,000,000 (see The Independent 25.9.08). Surely the picture on display should be one of Saatchi.

21.5.09.
FAKE SEROTA ON FACEBOOK
Some merry prankster has created
a fake Sir Nicholas Serota (that is really a fake, not the real fake) on Facebook [broken link]. See how many people have fallen for it [broken link]. "Friends" include Alastair Campbell, Stuart Semple, Urban Angel, Standpoint London, and Arty Zine.

Small clues for the wary:
1) the photo is from Stuckism (scroll down).
2) There was a friend invite to Charles Thomson.
3) It said, "As I've said to the press I do admire your work and while we have aesthetic differences I think we should be friends."
4) What Serota really said as quoted in the press was, "We do not feel that the work is of sufficient quality in terms of accomplishment, innovation or originality of thought to warrant preservation in perpetuity in the national collection."
5) Serota doesn't have any friends.

Herr Von Stuck brings you the news first!

Update 21.7.09: after stories in The Independent and The Guardian, the fake Serota is no more. (See links on home page.)

1.2.09.
MISOGYNISTIC CULT: THE TRUTH IS OUT!
It has come to Von Stuck's attention that Ms Stella Vine, in one of her less friendly moments, has, according to the esteemed Times journalist, Andrew Billen, labelled the Stuckists as a "misogynistic cult". This was in 2004, but I'm afraid VS is not always that quick on the uptake. However, the plot thickens. A mere four years later, the irascible Rupert Mallin posts a blog with the title a "A Decade of Stuckism" (which is a good title, if you count nine years as a decade) and again thrusts forward the "m" word. We have to ask: have Rupert and the lovely Stella been having a little tÍte ŗ tÍte in the wilds of Suffolk? No matter, Charles Thomson thankfully knows exactly which Stuckists are to blame for the awful reputation being accrued by the movement and fearlessly exposes them in a reply to Rupert's effusions. We follow his lead in naming names: Jane Kelly, Ella Guru, Elsa Dax, Abby Jackson, Jenny Westbrook, Jacqueline Jones, Terry Marks, Alexis Hunter, Mary von Stockhausen, Vanessa Rossetto, Peggy Clydesdale, Samantha Keil, Kim Richardson and Susan Constanse. Shame on them.

6.10.08.
BILLY CHILDISH THE TRUTH (OR NOT)
Meanwhile Billy Childish at the End of the Road Festival in Wiltshire is described on playlouder.com (free registration required) as someone "who appears to be an escaped mental patient who believes heís a naval officer fronting a garage rock band." That might not go down to well, but could provide a prompt for a song Gina Bold by Billy Childish to match the portrait Billy Childish by Gina Bold.

6.10.08.
GINA BOLD BY GINO VANELLI AND GINO VANELLI BY GINA BOLD
Admirers of the art of Gina Bold will no doubt be moved by the eponymous 1969 song by arch-crooner, Gino Vannelli (recording then as Van Elli), which has just been made available on YouTube. The lyrics are in the post above this one from Gina, who threatens to paint a portrait Gino Vannelli by Gina Bold to match the song Gina Bold by Gino Vannelli, though it does seem she hadn't heard the song at that point. The Novas Scarman (formerly Novas Ouvertures, renamed from Novas) group are now playing it non-stop at the Novas (formerly Arlington) Gallery. (Are you sure that's right? - Ed.) (It's a gossip page, isn't it? - HVS.)

24.9.08.
WELL, CATHY?
Herr Von Stuck has returned from retirement to address Cathy Lomax, who in 2004 was harshly critical of the Stuckists going so far as to comment, "As long as this terrible attitude continues Stuckists have no place on the contemporary art scene", the terrible attitude in question being to write Martin "Vomit" Creed. Since then Creed has fulfilled his epithet by making videos of people, well, vomiting actually, and now states, "'My sculptures and paintings come from a process that's similar to vomiting" (Metrolife 22.9.08). Von Stuck can only state that as long as this terrible attitude continues Creed has no place on the contemporary art scene, and looks forward to Cathy's contrition over her earlier unjust remarks.

1.8.05
STELLA VINE UNIQUE AGAIN
Stella Vine has apparently fallen out with her gallerist, Tim Jefferies, because she objected to the fact that all her paintings had a red dot next to them. She must be the only artist in the world to find this a problem. Report in The Independent

19.9.04
FIRST STUCKIST BABY GETS, ERM, STUCK
Ella Guru and Sexton Ming gave birth to Lucy on 19 September, 2004, at 14:56, in London. Lucy was stuck (said Ella), and had to be removed by cesarian section. All are well now, though mom still feeling rough after surgery.

16.9.04
QUOTE OF THE YEAR
"Tate has a responsibility to inform its audiences"
- Gregor Muir, Tate Curator (Independent 8.9.04)

18.8.04
STELLA VINE IS OFF ON ONE (AGAIN)
The irascible Ms Vine has let loose again on the subject of her ex-husband (which is no concern of von Stuck) but more importantly has besmirched the good name of Stuckism. According to an interview on the fogless web site Stuckists are "trying to buy my work under false names" and "harrassing me everyday by email". Well, this should be a simple matter to clear up. Let us have a list of these false names and copies of the harrassing emails, so the perpetrators can be shamed. Von Stuck promises a full exposé. In the meantime, at Ms Vine's request, this section of her interview has been removed altogether from the fogless site (but is safely stored in Stuck's bank vault).
Link: Ms Vine page
Afterword: a month has elapsed and curiously still no sign of the false names or the daily emails.

7.8.04
WOLF HOWARD PAINTING BANNED
Wolf Howard's painting Being On the Dole Is Like Playing Chess With Hitler has been banned from the Union Gallery in Southwark. Apparently it's run by some Kraut who thinks it's insensitive. What a load of krap. A Billy Childish painting was almost banned too. The subject? Spitfires.
- Mary von Stockhausen, Stuckism International Germany

11.7.04
STELLA VINE MARRIED BILLY CHILDISH! THE SECRET IS OUT!
www.london.flavourpill.net have come up with a world-wide scoop with the true nature of Stella Vine's fabled marriage which we all thought was to Stuckist Co-founder Charles Thomson:
" Cult painter, poet, songwriter, founder of Stuckism ("against conceptualism, hedonism, and the cult of the ego-artist"), and Stella Vine's ex-husband: so reads the illustrious CV of Billy Childish, whose interpretations of Vincent van Gogh's paintings are on display at the Aquarium Gallery this week."
Illustrious indeed! Whole text here.

19.5.04
MOT NEW PRESS RELEASE (PREVIOUSLY VOMIT) GREATLY IMPROVED
Von Stuck viewed the new press release from the MOT Gallery with some trepidation, having strongly criticised the last one, and been condemned to the dustbin of history by Cathy Lomax for daring to have an opinion. However, they've now ditched the padding of meaningless art woffle and write with a verve, wit and accuracy which was previously hinted at and is now an entertainment to read. We are promised "drawings of masturbating teddy bears and murderous woodland creatures" on green and pink walls. We regard this as a successful outcome in the Stuckist campaign for Plain English in art writing. The absence of Martin "lights-going-on-and-off-in-an-empty-room" Creed from this show may have made it easier to write something about what is going to be there, rather than trying to write something about nothing, of course. Subscribe to their mail list on
motlondon@yahoo.co.uk

15.5..04
Letter from Hoxton
CHARLES SAATCHI VISITS STUCKISM INTERNATIONAL
Around noon today a black cab pulled up outside 5 Charlotte Road, Shoreditch, and from it emerged Charles Saatchi, "respected the world over as a collector and curator" (Stella Vine, curated and collected by Charles Saatchi), but "not... in a dominant position" (Office of Fair Trading), and his wife domesticated goddess, Nigella Lawson, "beautiful, even more gorgeous than she looks on TV" (entranced neighbour).

They walked a couple of doors down to Stuckism International and stood there reading the window display, most of which was fortunately about Charles Saatchi, particularly a large placard proclaiming STUCKIST ART IN 2001 IS SAATCHI ART IN 2004, a cutting from the Independent and the Stuckist Manifesto. The couple then returned to their cab with its engine still running and departed south, hopefully greatly heartened that not everybody in Shoreditch pretends not to take them seriously.

The gallery should of course have been open, which would have made things more interesting, but the Stuckists' "contemptible leader" (Cathy Lomax, respected owner of Transition Gallery) was dawdling upstairs with a cup of coffee doubtless too busy talking about Charles Saatchi to notice he was standing outside on the pavement. Von Stuck is not impressed with Thomson's lame protest: "He could have rung the bell if he'd wanted." Thomson doesn't seem to realise that collectors respected the world over don't know how to ring bells as they are used to doors being opened for them all the time. Thomson was later seen drinking champage in a Japanese bar in South Kensington with a woman far too young and attractive for him.

This story was reported in The Independent on Tuesday 18 May with the title 'Saatchi stuck in street'..

Links
The Stuckism Gallery, with further details of the window display, is here.
Cathy Lomax blog spot with attitude ("Stuckists... will be given the...attention that they deserve") here
Charles Saatchi Gallery (which opens so much it's open even when they say it's not open) here

14.5..04
IT'S COMPARE THE SHARK TIME AGAIN
Three lovely photos of sharks, including Damien's and Stuckism's (the original one) on http://cumulo-nimbus.blogspot.com, which is a good excuse to remind you of our our SHARK SPOT THE DIFFERENCE COMPETITION here.

7.5..04
STELLA VINE COMES OUT FIGHTING
Herr Von Stuck is delighted to report that Stella Vine, the former Stuckist, has come out with fists flailing in her Blogspot, denying she owes anybody anything ever (apart from the man who runs Hampstead School of Art) especially the Stuckists, above all Charles Thomson, but artistically not even Billy Childish, that the Stuckists are to blame for most of the sins of mankind, even Adam's fall from the Garden of Eden (OK, she didn't actually say that), and that she is a stand-alone genius who doesn't owe anybody anything ever especially the Stuckists [you're repeating yourself here. Shut up - Ed]
Stella Vine's disappearing blog spot
In the blue corner: Stella Vine on the Stuckists and Stella Vine (Stella Vine blog 6 May 04)
NB This blog was on the web during May. Then it was then taken down and put back up several times with minor revisions. It is currently down (12.6.04). Our link is to the Google cache of it. More blog entries (also removed) are on Google here. [forget it - the whole lot's gone now - Ed, 16.9.04] There is an archive of one version.
In the red corner: the Stuckists on Stella Vine and the Stuckists

28.4.04
STELLA VINE'S ART GOES DOWNHILL
Here's something else for Cathy Lomax, the "shadowy 'gallerista'/Svengali" (it's OK to say that because she likes it) to be displeased about. If the new painting , a version of Rachel, is anything to go by, it would seem Stella Vine's work is going rapidly downhill. The idea is fine with the fox in the foreground, and the dripping blood works well, but the overall effect is a mishmash and looks as though it was done too quickly without sensitivity to the emotional value of the colours. This was heralded by some other weak work such as Belle which was a deterioration from the first Rachel Whitear painting, itself limp in comparison with the intensity of Hi Paul, can you come over?.

It would be a great shame if excessive media attention were to erode artistic rigour, but it does happen. Vine at her best is a powerful, inventive and expressive artist, and this is still present in other work dated 2004 such as Stella Spain and Ellenor Wedding Dress. Her new show Prozac and Private Views is 4-27 June 2004 at Transition.

28.4.04
CATHY LOMAX IS NOT PLEASED
Cathy Lomax, the founder of Arty magazine and intrepid proprietor of Transition Gallery (which sold Stella Vine's Princess Diana painting to Saatchi) is not pleased with the Stuckists. The apparent cause of her ire is the piece on the MOT gallery immediately below this. You can read all about it on her blogspot. "As long as this terrible attitude continues Stuckists have no place on the contemporary art scene". At least that's one good thing.

PS Ms Lomax mentioned a show but missed out the important bit. Let Von Stuck fill in the missing word: Honeymoon with the Stuckist Stella Vine. As she asked, the show is available for private viewing on request at Stuckism International. It should perhaps be pointed out that Ms Vine gave her full endorsement to this selection of work when it was first shown at the Rivington Gallery in June 2002 with the title I Need More Space and a painting of her, Woman in New York, ("I really like it") in the front window. She was in fact enthusiastic enough to drive round there and phone Mr Thomson up at 1am after not speaking to him for nine months, even after she had left the Stuckists in droves. The paintings can be seen here.

29.3.04
VOMIT PRESS RELEASE FROM MOT GALLERY
These things arrive through the post and by email - the pseudo-intellectual theorising that justifies works of art that aren't works of art at all, as they wouldn't need all that crap if they were. The latest is from MOT in Bethnal Green for an exhibition with the nice title Russian Doll, which is then sabotaged a) by including peope like Martin 'switching-lights-on-and-off, sticking-bluetack-on-the-wall' Creed and b) talking about it in such a way it makes you want to vomit.

A classic example describes the selected artists: ''Each has been chosen because their practice extends beyond mere object making, each having an interest in the post production of their work and thus allowing it to become more receptive to the notion of accommodation'. So there you go - they're going to build hotels.

To book a room contact motlondon@yahoo.co.uk

22.3.04
CHARLES SAATCHI IS A CUNT, HIS GALLERY IS SHIT AND HIS ARTISTS ARE ALL FUCKED - WHO SAID IT?
The extraordinary answer is Charles Saatchi in a fit of temper (well we're all human) to Adrian Searle, art critic of the Guardian, as a suggestion for what Searle's review might say. One can only admire Mr Saatchi's soul-bearing in public in this way. The man has gone up in our estimation.

22.3.04
HAS PETER MCARDLE LOST IT COMPLETELY?

This is the urgent question we are sadly forced to ask. Has isolation in Gateshead (he is founder of the Stuckist group there) and too many visits to the Baltic finally separated sense from reality. Judge for yourself. Peter has recently emailed to urge we visit www.rathergood.com, pretending it's his children who like it. If you want an example of what we're worried about click here (that does look like Wolf Howard in the background). [My favourite is this one - Ed.] If you then trust him enough to view his paintings click here.

Addendum: it seems Peter's second favourite site is - wait for it - The Framley Examiner. We should warn you that it proclaims boldly on its home page "WANTED experienced web designer to build online version of local newspaper. Call Framley 984 006". However, the following text more than makes up for that: "Welcome to the authorised website of the Framley Examiner, Framley's traditional favourite since 1978. The Framley Examiner serves the people of Framley, and the surrounding villages - out as far as Whoft to the north and St Eyots to the north-east and Wripple to the north." The current lead story is "Bus Lane confused with bus lane," written by Jesus. [I think this is a spoof site - Ed.] Go to www.framleyexaminer.com

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7.3.04 - Independent on Sunday
STELLA VINE HITS BACK AT THE STUCKISTS

Following a diary story two days previously in the Independent, saying it was the Stuckists who discovered Stella Vine long before Saatchi, the new Saatchi darling attempts to distance herself from her shady Stuckist past in Answer the Questions! in the Independent on Sunday (Life, p7).

Q: How did you decide to become an artist and what inspired you?
A: A wonderful ex-boyfriend, Ross, always said I should be a painter. I have always done crazy doodles..... (I) went to some evening classes at Hampstead School of Art, and I did some life and portrait painting. I loved it. I met the Fascists (sorry The Stuckists!) and I learnt about art by default. It made me look in the opposite direction to what they were advocating. They said I didn't have to agree with them, just to like painting and want to put on shows. Things went too far when I briefly married Charles Thomson, which was an utter disaster! Fortunately, I quickly realised that none of this was right for me and I then became involved in some artist-run galleries in East London. Also a lot of my art education has taken place in the Serpentine Gallery bookshop!

That explains it then. Stella looked in the opposite direction, which is why she is now doing conceptual art... hang on a mo, she isn't. Well, never mind. She is nothing if not an innovator and has introduced a new definition of Fascists into the dictionary, namely people who say you don't have to agree with them. By the way, the Longman Dictionary definition of 'default' is 'a failure to pay debts', though we have a suspicion that this word also is long overdue for reinterpretation.
P.S. to worried prospective members of Stuckism: it is not, despite Stella's conviction to the contrary, a requirement of membership to marry Charles Thomson, briefly or otherwise.

20 February 2004
PRIVATE EYE AND SIR NICHOLAS SEROTA'S UNFORTUNATE ANAGRAM
It has not escaped von Stuck's eagle eye that a letter from a Stuckist has appeared in the current issue of Private Eye (20 Feb - 4 March 2004, page 14). Charles Thomson writes:
"Sir, I notice that an anagram of 'Sir Nicholas Serota' reads 'Is Nic art or asshole'? In which category does Sir Nicholas fall? I think we deserve to be told. Hold on a minute: I think I've worked it out."

Rumour has it that the shady figure of Billy Childish may have been a contributing influence to the sending of this letter and even its text. You will note that Mr Childish has previously released a song titled 'Art or Arse' about the Turner Prize. Suspicious or what? Info and lyrics are here.

11 February 2004
POLICE RAID ON STUCKISM THE PORN SHOP
Herr von Stuck would like to assure you this is not as bad (or as good) as you may think. It is true that on the above date passers-by see 'Films, Books, Mags XXX Erotica' advertised in the window of Stuckism International, and indeed the police swooping, but they are curiously driving 'Z cars' and dressed in sixties uniforms, and, ahem, actors in a BBC drama which is making use of the front of the building as a set. 'The Long Firm', a four-part sixites gangster series will be screened in the Autumn. Watch out for 'porn shop'. Preview photo here.

19 May 2003
ELLA GURU WORST FOR WEAR IN CUBA
Ella Guru and husband Sexton Ming have just returned from an intrepid two weeks in Cuba, where they got so 'fed up with heat and hassly people in the street', that the only recourse was to work through all the daiquiris they could find. Unfortunately she then fell over in the street and is now badly bruised.

11 March 2003
HOXTON GALLERY OWNER SUED FOR FIVE BILLION POUNDS
Harold Werner Rubin, lovable irascible eccentric 75 year old New Yorker, Director of the Rivington Gallery in Hoxton was a little surprised when he received his quarterly gas bill for £5,800,542,335, which he less surprisingly failed to pay. British Gas then informed him they would be applying for a warrant 'to force entry to your property'. Harold has been capitalising on it to the full with a story in The Times and national TV news coverage.

15 February 2003
14 MEN ON TOILETS, A DRAG QUEEN AND A SAILOR ENGAGED IN A LEWD PUBLIC SEX ACT. WHAT?
This, believe it or not, was a question on the BBC News web site end of year quiz last December.
The optional answers were:
A: Chapter one of Will Self's novel Dorian
B: The Stuckist Movement's protest against the Turner Prize outside the ceremony
C: The English National Opera's production of Verdi's Un Ballo in Maschera

It wasn't us, honest. We're pointing the finger at the ENO.

Check it out here.

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15 February 2003
MARK QUINN ATTACKS STUCKISM

We have observed for the last four years a curious phenomenon that those notable exponents of conceptual/Brit Art who are usually (and literally on occasion) prepared to bend over backward to get media exposure are nowhere to be seen when it comes to requests for a serious stance on art when the Stuckists are in the vicinity.

This has been the case with studio debates on prestigious national radio and TV programmes and articles in the more reputable national papers.

Just for the record then, we would like to point out the exception in the case of Mark Quinn, Brit Artist and best known for a sculpture of his head made out of his own blood (which melted when one of Charles Saatchi's workmen pulled the plug on the refrigeration unit).

Mark's comment on Stuckism was, "It's a red herring. Restrictive and Luddite." That at least gives us a starting point for examining the issues.

His analysis of his own work was, "It may use scientific methods but it is also about emotion."

The accolade for this scoop goes to Helen Smithson in the Hampstead and Highgate Express. Read it here.

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21 January 2003
ARE YOU IN OR OUT OF LOVE?
This web site was recommended to Herr von Stuck by a hardened cynic who was moved to tears by it, schmalzy though it is (but then hardened cynics usually are moved to tears by such things). Stuck has to admit that he himself felt a little lachrymose by the end of it. It may not be great art or even art in the slightest, but it strikes a chord somewhere. The link is dedicated to all those currently in or out of love, especially in North London of course. Get a tissue and click on http://www.funnywebsite.com/love.shtml (the site has now unfortunately changed 22.3.04)

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10 December 2002
"CHARLES SAATCHI, TRACEY EMIN, THE STUCKISTS AGREE"
Von Stuck was actually aware of this, but was keeping it quiet, but now the untimely alliance is out of the bag. The New Criterion states unequivocally, "Charles Saatchi, Tracey Emin, the Stuckists agree". What exactly has brought these people into one camp? What exactly do they agree on at last? Ha! No surprises here - "2002 Turner Prize stinks."

Only Sir Nicholas Serota's outstanding achievement of mounting a Turner Prize Show which was even worse than last year's (and that in turn worse than the year before) could have done it. Damn the fellow.

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5 December 2002
STUCKISM: TWO IN A MILLION
Shucks, folks. Herr Von Stuck was chuffed to discover a Google search of 'found art movement' showed 1,390,000 pages with Stuckism at number two. [Surely the story is if it's one in a million. Can we lay off the stats for a bit - Ed.]

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13 November 2002
STUCKISM LEADS: WHITE CUBE FOLLOWS (AGAIN)
In 1999 the Stuckists move to Hoxton. In 2000 the White Cube moves to Hoxton.

The order of events was noted by The New York Times: "Besides White Cube2, there is the older 108 Gallery, which has been something of a flagship for the Stuckists."

In the summer of 1999 the Stuckists are "a revolution waiting to happen" (The Times) by proclaiming that painting is the radical way forward. Six months later Jay Jopling's White Cube Gallery (which represents Damien Hirst and Tracey Emin) usher in "a revolutionary spirit" by promoting painting.

In 2002 the Stuckists manifest their antipathy to White Wall Galleries in the Stuckism International Centre by painting the walls a deep maroon with subdued lighting and a homely fragrant touch of burning incense sticks.

Three months later in the new Chapman Brothers show the gleaming white walls of the White Cube Gallery have become deep brown walls of the presumably now Brown Cube Gallery. The lighting is in near darkness. And there is a pleasant fragrance of burning incense.

Next they will be attacking the Turner Prize. [PS from the Ed: erm, see gossip 10 Dec]

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STUCKISM NUMBER 1 OUT OF 594,000
Herr Von Stuck was delighted to find that a search on google.com for "latest art movement" yielded 594,000 results and that top of the list was, ahem, Stuckism. A search for "Nicholas Serota" also proved interesting...

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STUCKIST SINGLE A HIT SOMEWHERE IN CANADA
Yes, it's true! Last year's Stuckist single (Art or Arse) climbed to number 24 in CJSF College Radio Station in Vancouver. Details of station as follows (from www.chartattack.com): CJSF 93.9 Cable FM - Attn. Ed BlakeSimon Fraser U., T.C. 216Burnaby, BC V5A 1S6. PH/Tél: (604)291-3727 -- FAX/Télécopieur: (604)291-3695. email/courriel: cjsfmuse@sfu.caTracking:Tuesday Noon-3pmish Pacific

PS The single also made the playlist for May 18 2001 on Jon Bernhardt's Breakfast of Champions Program (WMBR Radio 88.1 FM, Cambridge, MA, USA).

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10 August 2001
STELLA VINE GETS MARRIED
The following story appeared in the Evening Standard Londoner's Diary on 20 August 2001. As we are currently lost for words we let it speak for itself:

Charles Thomson, co-founder of the anti-Brit art group The Stuckists, has just returned from New York where he married fellow Stuckist Stella Vine after a two-month whirlwind romance.
"She went down on bended knee to me and we flew into New York the Tuesday before last and on Wednesday we were married," Thomson tells me.
However on Thursday matters took a turn for the worse. "She wanted a divorce - on Friday she trashed our hotel suite and on Saturday she disappeared."
The couple did not reunite until they met at the East India Club in St James's Square one week later. "I think this is it," concludes Thomson. "At the rate things are going, this is a marriage to last."

JOE CROMPTON GETS YOUNGER ALL THE TIME
Joe Crompton, famed initial promoter of Stuckism at Gallery 108, was refused a packet of Rizlas at a Reading kiosk this weekend. "Are you old enough?" he was asked, "you have to be 16!"

"I'm 26," replied Crompton hopefully. As usual his charm won the day. By the way, has anyone actually seen his birth certificate?

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GIGGLY GIRLS GIGGLE ON E4 TV
One of The Evening Standard Hot Tickets TV choices for 15 June was 'Nu Skool' on e4, which featured our very own 'giggly girls' Katherine and Susan. Other Stuckist luminaries are interviewed; scenes of the clown demo at the Tate, and the Pure Gallery show are included. The write-up deserves ample quotation:

"'The show that spots people on the up' seems to find people that are already there. This week, two jammy Camberwell Art Students - who you might call yer classic art students: very twee and fashion-conscious - are exhibiting for the tenth time with the Stuckists"

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SOME BIG HIDDEN PICS ON THE SITE
Wasn't sure where to put this, so here it is. Anyone wanting to use these large jpegs, we'll appreciate you telling us. And if you don't - we have WAYS of finding out.

''Pelican Crossing' by Sexton Ming and Ella Guru
''Captain William Wade' (after Gainsborough) by Charles Thomson
''Sir Nicholas Serota Makes an Acquisitions Decision' by Charles Thomson
''I'm a Weak Man' by Billy Childish

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10 May 2001
CAUGHT IN THE ACT
Like all good politicians, Charles Thomson has been appearing in the oddest places. Herr von Stuck got this from Chuck today:
Click here
Then, Bottom right: click 'go to number'. Box comes up. Type in 55.

And who's that pretty young thing on his arm?

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11 March 2001
THE TURNIP PRIZE
Herr von Stuck has been surfing the internet and was highly delighted to chance upon The Turnip Prize, which is the response of the management and regulars of The George Hotel, Wedmore, Somerset to the Tate Gallery's own similar-sounding award. As one reads
their description, the similarities increase:

"The Turnip Prize is a crap art competition...You can enter anything you like, but it must to be rubbish."

Herr Von Stuck has nothing but praise for this brave initiative and recommends an excursion to: www.theturnipprize.co.uk

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01 March 2001
STUCKIST WALLPAPER FOR YOU
Not the sort for your bedroom, the sort on the screen of your computer. Here's how to get it. Click www.superhumanism.com, then Real Turner Prize Show html (or flash if you're up to it), then a click on Sir Nicholas Serota's bright red knickers (you'll see what I mean - nothing to get alarmed about). This will take you to a page where on the left is a reproduction of The Stuckists book cover and Joe Machine's Diana Dors with an axe painting (feel free to get alarmed at this point if you wish). Right click on the picture. This should bring up a boring Microsoft-grey box with an option "Set as Wallpaper". Just left click on that option. Don't think about it. Do it.

When you next get back to the main screen of your computer, you will be horrified to see it covered with fifteen or so copies of the cover, whose text of course makes the superimposed icons completely confusing and impractical. You will also have an embarrassing public display of some form of connection to the Stuckist movement. But hey, look, just carry it off with a cool post-modern ironic stance on the whole business.

Now can anyone tell me how to remove the damn thing and get my nice fluffy clouds back?

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28 February 2001
ELSA GETS IT IN PARLIAMENT
Sexy Elsa Dax, founder of the Paris Stuckists, will soon be the object of attention of hot, sweating MPs. An exhibition of her mythological paintings is now installed at Westminster Gym. (Her last show was at a gym in Covent Garden - what does it all mean?). Regrettably membership is not open to members of the public.

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26 January 2001
JOE MACHINE: SEX! SEX! SEX!
We have just been informed since writing the above title that this is a gross misrepresentation of a deep and loving relationship that has developed between Stuckist stuck-in-Sheppey Joe "I breed Rottweilers" Machine and young Charlotte spikey-hair-girl Gavin who wandered into a photo shoot of the entire Stuckist group at the Pure Gallery on 28 October ("I remember it well" she says) as part of a college expedition into the wildest East End and has not looked back since. That was a long sentence.

WOLF HOWARD SEX! SEX! SEX!
It seemed like to good a title to only use once. That sexy minx Miss Rachel Jordan has taken Mr Wolf Howard in hand and more true romance has blossomed.

SEXTON MING SEX! SEX! SEX!
Yes, they're all at it, these Stuckists. Nuptials are forthcoming between the ineffable Ming and the alluring vamp Ella Guru, formerly of Voodoo Queens.

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3 November 2000
STUCKISTS MING, GURU AND CASTLE IN CARAVAN ORGY
Secret gig! Unlike some people who bring their beach hut to the gallery, Stuckists Ming, Guru and Castle will be taking their paintings camping. The 3 day Wild Weekend in Camber Sands (3-6 November) will feature dozens of garage bands (60's, that is, not House), record and clothing stalls, a small exhibition and miniature golf. The event mainly caters to Mods (yikes!) and other 60's fans, and is most likely now sold out. Let's hope the next spout of hurricaines doesn't hit Pontins.

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30 October 2000
ELLA GURU MEETS SIR NICHOLAS SEROTA
And what a timely meeting indeed! Whilst shopping for Sushi at Waitrose on a Sunday morning, Miss Guru spotted a man who very much resembled Sir Nicholas Serota. He was rail thin, as described in a recent report from Ranko Bon, but she could not be sure until she phoned Charles Thomson who informed her that Sir Nicholas Serota does indeed live in the same area as she does. Upon reaching the checkout, Miss Guru finally mustered the courage to greet the Tate director. He was polite and friendly, and said he was on his way to see the Stuckist exhibition, the Real Turner Prize 2000.

(Miss Guru's full journal entry if anyone's interested.)

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25 October 2000
THOMSON UPSETS RANKO
From the original postcard terrorist's email list:

"THE REAL TURNER PRIZE (October 24, 2000)

"Nick," I hugged Serota when I spotted him in the crowd at the Turner Prize opening at Tate Britain this evening, "it's wonderful to see you!" I was in one of my expansive moods, but I was genuinely glad to see him. He appeared pleased to see me, too. "Ah," I grabbed him by his bony shoulders, "when I look at you like this, I cannot but see Charles Thomson's portrait of you, which I saw last night at the Real Turner Prize Show in Shoreditch." I emphasized the word "real" with all my might. "Yes," Nick beamed back at me without even blinking, "I must see it!" Christ, I am so angry with Charles. I wanted to introduce him to Nick, but the scoundrel failed to show up at Millbank at six-fifteen this evening, as we agreed last night. I had even sent a message to the Tate to tell them that Lauren was in the States, and that I would come instead with a friend of mine, a co-founder of Stuckism."

Stuckists Miss Guru and Miss Castle, who run their own private email terrorism (in which they are the only members of the list. sort of.) have been speculating that Thomson's absence may have had to do with a certain dark haired woman he was seen with after the opening of the Real Turner Prize Show 2000 at the Pure Gallery.

Addendum (October 26, 2000)

Charles' apologises to Mr Bon:

"Grovel, grovel, grovel. I am sorry I left you standing outside the Tate. I only had three hours sleep last night. On the go all day. Looking forward to meeting you. Late in the afternoon I had a very good press contact to feature the whole group, but I had to get them all together in two days. Then another enquiry from BBC. Then I look at my watch. Oh my god, I am never going to get there anywhere near on time. And I have to finish arranging above stuff—which I have to get done. Erk. Just have to hope Ranko will understand, as I was so looking forward to being Mrs. Bon for a night, so to speak. It looks like another three-hour sleep tonight."

There was more more but you must join the list to get in on the action.

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2 October 2000
THOMSON'S ANGELS SEEN AGAIN?
Charles Thomson, in keeping up with valuable research (i.e. confirming that Brit is still Brit shit) was spotted by one of our secret spies in the Saatchi Gallery 2 weeks ago. To quote the anonymous source, "[Charles] was with two (hmm maybe three.. ) nice looking young ladies. i don't think he picked them up in the gallery because they were in the queue with him. at one point he was strolling around one on each arm. (hmm maybe it was only two ). i thought i heard him ask them back to his flat to view his etchings, though i cant be totally sure."

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23 September 2000
TATE INTELLIGENCE SHOW - RECORD ATTENDANCES
The Tate Britain 'Intelligence' exhibition promoted as the biggest ever mounted, seems to be breaking another record as far as attendance to it is concerned - namely the lowest on record, thus demonstrating there is rather more intelligence amongst the general public than the art establishment might generally suppose.

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23 September 2000
NIC REJECTS RANKO
Mr Nicholas Serota (we have removed his knighthood because he insists on exhibiting such shit art) has now asked to be removed from Ranko Bon's email list and complains of being hectored. That we would have thought to be the least of his worries. To actually be placed on the wild hectoring Ranko's list, contact him at R.Bon@reading.ac.uk He also sends postcards to selected honoured individuals (hemm hemm!). Some of them are even worth reading.

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23 September 2000
JOE CROMPTON LEAVES EVERYTHING
Joe Crompton, who keeps on bumping into Tracey Emin at Liverpool Street station, has since closed down his Gallery 108 and is now moving to Bath. Could there be a connection?

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23 September 2000
IS SEXTON LEAVING TOO?
Sexton Ming who paints delightful weird pictures, and is rumoured to be a delightful weird person, is now threatening to leave Stuckism. One of his complaints is its critical attitude towards Brit Art. The term 'Brit Shit' was coined by Mr Ming.[ In fact the gripe was Stuckism's critical attitude towards everything, and Mr Ming has not softened his opinion about Shit Art. - Ed. ]

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23 September 2000
ROYAL ACADEMY HORROR SHOW
What is truly horrifying about the Royal Academy 'Apocalypse' show is that anyone can find it horrifying. I kept on bursting into laughter at the thought that Exhibitions Secretary Norman Rosenthal could actually seriously present the exhibits as art.

The items on display seem to have lost their way from other venues. Look, we are in a room of distorting mirrors from Southend Pier. Now we are in Madame Tussauds with a lifelike-yet-stilted waxwork of the pope. And suddenly I am in the Games Workshop, where some exceptionally obsessive adolescents have made a diorama of thousands of toy soldiers.

The distorting mirrors are no improvement on Southend's simply because of the addition of a pretentious slogan. The rock knocking over the pope is meaningless compared with the actual assassination attempt which occurred. Oh, and the mixture of Belsen with three-headed sci-fi monsters serves only to diminish the power of both. If you want to see real horror then visit the diorama of World War One trenches in the Imperial War Museum.

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18 July 2000
TRACEY EMIN & CHARLES SAATCHI - KISS AND SELL
We at Stuckism heaved a collective sigh of relief that Tracey Emin's long-standing feud with Charles Saatchi is now over (she didn't like him because his advertising agency helped return Margaret Thatcher to power, and she doesn't like Margaret Thatcher because, presumably, she used Charles Saatchi as her advertising agent).

At first, cynics that we are, we thought that the reunion was something to do with Saatchi paying £150,000 for the smelly old bed she exhibited in the Tate, but are pleased to report that it is in fact because they met at a party. So smiles all round really. (And she even seems to have forgiven Margaret Thatcher - which she attributes to `growing richer', sorry `growing up'.)

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25 May 2000
THE JUMPING CHINESE GENTLEMEN AT IT AGAIN
As you may have read in the papers recently, the two Chinese gentlemen who did a naughty wee-wee in the (fake) Duchamp urinal in Tate Modern, were the same as the two Jumping Chinese gentlemen who jumped all over that bed that someone exhibited in the old Tate last year, because they thought they might win a £20,000 prize (I know, absolutely absurd, isn't it!).

We knew at that time one of the slogans scrawled on their bodies was 'Anti-Stuckism'. What we have only just seen in The Flummery Digest was that they considered their action represented performance art that exemplified the concept of Anti-Stuckism.

If their current action was carried out in the same vein (so as to speak), it rather defeats its purpose, as we have advocated the proper function of a urinal is for urination all along.

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19 May 2000
CHARLES THOMSON AND MYSTERY WOMEN
On Thursday night, 18 May, Charles Thomson was seen cavorting around Soho with three lovely long-legged ladies, dubbed "Charlie's Angels" though one of them reported they were not in fact Thomson's angels. Could have fooled us, gals.

When asked to comment at Folkstone on Saturday (20 May), Chuck merely grinned and said they "went to a few clubs."

Anyone with any more information or gossip on Mr Thomson, please email e_guru@hotmail.com

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18 April 2000
TRACEY EMIN AND A MYSTERY MAN
In case you were wondering, Tracey, about the identity of the bright-eyed, shaven-headed, dapper (and cheeky) young man who bounded past you with a cheery 'hello' (and to whom you replied with the same word in fact) outside the Suchi Bar in Liverpool Street Station around 9.15pm on Monday (17 April), it was none other than our very own Joe Crompton, owner of the Gallery 108, pioneer of Stuckist shows.

He said you looked sad and lonely, so we hope everything's OK. If you had hung around for another couple of hours you would have bumped into old chums Sexton and Charles (with Ella and Rachel) on the way back from the private view at the Red Dot Gallery in Ipswich. Another time perhaps.

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16 April 2000
JAY JOPLING AND WHITE CUBE COTTON ON TO STUCKISM
"A revolution waiting to happen," proclaimed The Times (26 Aug 99) of the Stuckists' condemnation of conceptual art and advocation of painting as the way forward for art.

The article ended, "The White Cube gallery was unable to comment."

Six months later, according to the Telegraph Magazine (19 Feb 00), "The new millenium has ushered in a revolutionary spirit at London's White Cube Gallery".

What exactly is this cutting edge revolution which the White Cube is setting in motion with fearless originality, you might wonder?

It seems that its owner, Jay Jopling is now "championing Neal Tait, a painter"... "whose paintings stand out in a sea of conceptual art".

We are glad the message is getting through. The trouble is, people only get half the story. The other bit, Jay, is that the painting should be about emotional engagement, content and communication.

Unfortunately Neal Tait's "deny any concept of personality" (this seems to be seen as a positive quality).

If White Cubists would like to adopt any more of our ideas, please try to get it right.

Now that painting is in the ascendant, it is probably a good time to offload those fishes in formaldehyde and bits of camping equipment while there are still people around gullible enough to shell out the readies for them.

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16 April 2000
SEROTA UPTIGHT AT INDEPENDENT
Nonie Niesewand at The Independent is obviously no fool. Reviewing the Tate Modern architecture (10 April) she comments:

"Were those gigantic chains lying coiled on the cement floor left over from building works - or were they a priceless work of art?"

She is not one to be caught out that easily and asked Sir Nicholas Serota if the load of a nearby lorry "really was the special commission by Unilever for the Tate Modern" (a 'sculpture' by Louise Bourgeois). Apparently it was, but Sir Nicholas "was quite annoyed".

Well, if he would only exhibit art that looks like art, instead of art that looks like everything else apart from art, people wouldn't take the piss out of him, would they.

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06 April 2000
TATE PROMOTES ANTI-STUCKISM
First there was the Tate press officer at the opening of the Turner Prize show, overheard by a journalist to comment, "I'm sick of the Stuckists".

Then there were the two Chinese gentlemen who jumped on Emin's bed (with it seems her prior assent) with "Anti-Stuckism" scrawled on their back.

Now the Tate discussion forum has a message from a certain Genesis D. Ivan who recommends a web site www.thenagual.freeserve.co.uk, which turns out to be a spoof on the Stuckist web site.

Could Genesis D. Ivan just happen to be an anagram for Sir Nicholas Serota?

[Ella Guru, websmistress (of knobs) must comment here: er, sorry Chuck, but, anagram? Isn't that stretching things a bit? As usual I will be asked to remove this comment even though it doesn't mention nubile nymphettes or rubber suspenders.]

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16 March 2000
TATE WANTS YOUR VIEWS!
The Tate, that great bastion of aesthetic democracy, has a web site with a forum page and wants you to post your views, comments and queries. We wholeheartedly endorse this brave initiative and Charles Thomson has already posted news of the 'Open Letter to Sir Nicholas Serota' with the opinion 'Let us have debate on contemporary art, not monopoly'.

This was posted Mon 15 March at 3.40pm. The previous message, two days earlier, is from Amie regarding an A level textile project and, before that, from Christopher, who owns a 'large early sporting oil'. Power to the people.

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28 February 2000
THE ARTS CLUB
Stuckists and friends often meet on a Thursday evening at The Arts Club in Dover Street, W1. This is a private members' club: if you are interested in coming along, email (preferably with a phone number) in the first instance to: charlesalive@yahoo.com

The Arts Club was founded in 1863 by Charles Dickens and his friends. Other early members included Whistler, Swinburne and Pre-Raphaelites Rossetti and Millais. Degas, Monet and Rodin were also visitors.

[Ella Guru, webmistress, has been restricted from making any comments on this 'gossip' page. However, she would like to add that The Arts Club is a wonderful place where you will meet interesting people and drink decently priced booze in a comfortable and stimulating environment.]

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24 February 2000
GARY HUME'S CRAP
You've got to hand it to David Lee, editor of Art Review. The man is a critical genius. He does in one word what most of the critics fail to do in 1,000, namely to penetrate to the core of Gary Hume's work. What does our hero say? Crap. Just the word I had in mind. To tell you the truth, I'm a bit verbose and it took me twice as many words as Mr Lee. My version - superficial crap.

With an art magazine that has a two page spread headlined ARTBOLLOCKS, quoting catalogue explanations of conceptual work you can't really go wrong.

The only worry is what he's going to say about Stuckism one day.

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24 February 2000
STUCKISM ON COURSE
Apparently Stuckism is part of a contemporary art module at London's Central School of Art.

At St Martin's College in Lancashire, the manifesto has been put up on the wall by the sculpture tutor.

Rumours that some Camberwell firebrands are not only doing 'Stuckist' paintings (that's the end of their careers) but about to start a Students for Stuckism group.

The Stuckists have already been included in a Royal College of Art lecture that compared Childish and Emin - and asserted the latter was - wait for it - 'stuck' (in conceptualism).

As it all takes hold more and more at grass roots level, the boycott of Stuckism by the national art critics, only means the latter will increasingly diverge from the reality of artistic concerns in the country. Is it called ivory tower or denial or what.

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24 February 2000
MATTHEW COLLINGS MISSES OUT

A classic case is the normally prescient and seemingly omniscient Matthew Collings, whose diary in Modern Painters magazine describes the Chinese gentlemen jumping on Tracey Emin's bed in the Tate. It is illustrated with a colour photo of one of them, on whose back can be seen in red the slogan "Anti-Stuckism".

Ha! So what is Matthew, the great commentator's comment on this one? Actually,there is no comment. No, not a word, not a dicky bird. The slogan might have been reported in The Telegraph and announced in The Guardian, but as far as Matthew is concerned, it doesn't exist, along with Stuckism and everything to do with Stuckism. Stuckism is just not there, and even if it is, it certainly has no relevance or bearing on anything that matters in the art world - not even as another point of view, because it expresses a point of view which you are not allowed to express, namely questioning the whole foundation of the current conceptual edifice, and in particular the status of anyone with whom Matthew might, for example, travel to Norway. Like Tracey Emin, for example. All of this is known as academic objectivity, just in case you ever needed an example of the term in action.

RETRACTION

Look, I admit I was going a bit over the top there about critics and poor Matthew. These people are not stupid you know. Consider the dilemma. To approve a group that is attacking all the things that have been praised for the last ten years would be admittedly trail-blazing but could result in being left out in the cold and would anyway require something of a volte-face. (Only Tracey Emin with her remark `It's a good healthy thing' [The Times, 2.10.99] has been clumsy enough to undermine herself with a misjudged attempt at pre-emption.)

On the other hand, to come straight out with it, stick to one's guns and condemn this insurgent group would be a very dangerous undertaking for anyone with even a smattering of art history. It could result in as much egg on face as weatherman Michael Fish's famous 1987 prediction of no hurricane, hours before England was wrecked with a hurricane.

As Catherine Milner put it in her column in Tatler (March 2000): "Critics are not usually remembered by history - unless they were famously proved wrong. The Impressionists, Van Gogh, Manet and Courbet are among those who have become hallowed, almost deified, for defying the critics, those pompous know-alls who showed they were no good at doing their job, while pillorying others for doing theirs."

Go on, punk, make my day. Oh alright then, sit on the fence and see which way the wind blows first.

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Email: stuckism@yahoo.co.uk