WHERE THE TATE MONEY GOES
23.6.09, Tate Members received an email with a subject heading
of "Expect the unexpected at Tate" and the image shown
right (albeit without the last three lines of text) plus a "donate"
button and a "where your money goes" button. Clicking
the latter shows a picture of the Chapman Family Collection,
which was sold to the Tate for £1,500,000 by Charles Saatchi,
who bought it from the White Cube gallery for £1,000,000
Independent 25.9.08). Surely the picture on display should
be one of Saatchi.
FAKE SEROTA ON FACEBOOK
Some merry prankster has created a
fake Sir Nicholas Serota (that is really a fake, not the real
fake) on Facebook
[broken link]. See how many people have
fallen for it [broken link]. "Friends" include Alastair
Campbell, Stuart Semple, Urban Angel, Standpoint London, and Arty
Small clues for the wary:
1) the photo is from Stuckism
2) There was a friend invite to Charles
3) It said, "As I've said to the press I do admire your work
and while we have aesthetic differences I think we should be friends."
4) What Serota really
said as quoted
in the press was, "We do not feel that the work is of
sufficient quality in terms of accomplishment, innovation or originality
of thought to warrant preservation in perpetuity in the national
5) Serota doesn't have any friends.
Von Stuck brings you the news first!
after stories in The Independent and The Guardian, the fake Serota
is no more. (See links on home page.)
MISOGYNISTIC CULT: THE TRUTH IS OUT!
It has come to Von Stuck's attention that Ms Stella Vine, in one
of her less friendly moments, has, according to the esteemed Times
journalist, Andrew Billen, labelled the Stuckists as a "misogynistic
cult". This was in
2004, but I'm afraid VS is not always that quick on the uptake.
However, the plot thickens. A mere four years later, the irascible
Rupert Mallin posts
a blog with the title a "A Decade of Stuckism" (which
is a good title, if you count nine years as a decade) and again
thrusts forward the "m" word. We have to ask: have Rupert
and the lovely Stella been having a little tÍte ŗ tÍte in the
wilds of Suffolk? No matter, Charles Thomson thankfully knows
exactly which Stuckists are to blame for the awful reputation
being accrued by the movement and fearlessly exposes them in a
reply to Rupert's effusions. We follow his lead in naming names:
Ella Guru, Elsa
Dax, Abby Jackson,
von Stockhausen, Vanessa
Richardson and Susan
Constanse. Shame on them.
BILLY CHILDISH THE TRUTH (OR NOT)
Meanwhile Billy Childish at the End
of the Road Festival in Wiltshire is described on playlouder.com
(free registration required) as someone "who appears to be
an escaped mental patient who believes heís a naval officer fronting
a garage rock band." That might not go down to well, but
could provide a prompt for a song Gina Bold by Billy Childish
to match the portrait
Billy Childish by Gina Bold.
BY GINO VANELLI AND GINO VANELLI BY GINA BOLD
Admirers of the art of Gina
Bold will no doubt be moved by the eponymous 1969 song by
arch-crooner, Gino Vannelli (recording then as Van Elli), which
has just been made available on YouTube.
The lyrics are in the post above this
one from Gina, who threatens
to paint a portrait Gino Vannelli by Gina Bold to match the
song Gina Bold by Gino Vannelli, though it does seem she hadn't
heard the song at that point. The Novas Scarman (formerly Novas
Ouvertures, renamed from Novas) group are now playing it non-stop
at the Novas
(formerly Arlington) Gallery. (Are you sure that's right?
- Ed.) (It's a gossip page, isn't it? - HVS.)
Herr Von Stuck has returned from retirement to address Cathy
Lomax, who in 2004 was harshly critical
of the Stuckists going so far as to comment, "As long
as this terrible attitude continues Stuckists have no place on
the contemporary art scene", the terrible attitude in question
being to write Martin "Vomit" Creed. Since then
Creed has fulfilled his epithet by making videos of people, well,
vomiting actually, and now states, "'My sculptures and paintings
come from a process that's similar to vomiting" (Metrolife
22.9.08). Von Stuck can only state that as long as this terrible
attitude continues Creed has no place on the contemporary art
scene, and looks forward to Cathy's contrition over her earlier
VINE UNIQUE AGAIN
Stella Vine has apparently fallen out with her gallerist,
Tim Jefferies, because she objected to the fact that all her paintings
had a red dot next to them. She must be the only artist in the
world to find this a problem. Report in
BABY GETS, ERM, STUCK
Ella Guru and Sexton Ming gave birth to Lucy on 19 September,
2004, at 14:56, in London. Lucy was stuck (said Ella), and had
to be removed by cesarian section. All are well now, though mom
still feeling rough after surgery.
has a responsibility to inform its audiences"
- Gregor Muir, Tate Curator (Independent 8.9.04)
IS OFF ON ONE (AGAIN)
The irascible Ms Vine has let loose again on the subject of
her ex-husband (which is no concern of von Stuck) but more importantly
has besmirched the good name of Stuckism. According to an interview
fogless web site Stuckists are "trying to buy my work
under false names" and "harrassing me everyday by email".
Well, this should be a simple matter to clear up. Let us have
a list of these false names and copies of the harrassing emails,
so the perpetrators can be shamed. Von Stuck promises a full exposé.
In the meantime, at Ms Vine's request, this section of her interview
has been removed altogether from the fogless site (but is safely
stored in Stuck's bank vault).
Link: Ms Vine page
Afterword: a month has elapsed and curiously still no sign of
the false names or the daily emails.
Wolf Howard's painting Being On the
Dole Is Like Playing Chess With Hitler has been banned from
Gallery in Southwark. Apparently it's run by some Kraut who
thinks it's insensitive. What a load of krap. A Billy Childish
painting was almost banned too. The subject? Spitfires.
- Mary von Stockhausen, Stuckism International Germany
MARRIED BILLY CHILDISH! THE SECRET IS OUT!
www.london.flavourpill.net have come up with a world-wide scoop
with the true nature of Stella Vine's fabled marriage which we
all thought was to Stuckist Co-founder Charles Thomson:
" Cult painter, poet, songwriter, founder of Stuckism
("against conceptualism, hedonism, and the cult of the ego-artist"),
and Stella Vine's ex-husband: so reads the illustrious CV of Billy
Childish, whose interpretations of Vincent van Gogh's paintings
are on display at the Aquarium Gallery this week."
Illustrious indeed! Whole text here.
MOT NEW PRESS RELEASE (PREVIOUSLY VOMIT) GREATLY IMPROVED
Von Stuck viewed the new press release from the MOT Gallery with
some trepidation, having strongly criticised
the last one, and been condemned to the dustbin of history
by Cathy Lomax for daring to have an
opinion. However, they've now ditched the padding of meaningless
art woffle and write with a verve, wit and accuracy which was
previously hinted at and is now an entertainment to read. We are
promised "drawings of masturbating teddy bears and murderous
woodland creatures" on green and pink walls. We regard this
as a successful outcome in the Stuckist campaign for Plain English
in art writing. The absence of Martin "lights-going-on-and-off-in-an-empty-room"
Creed from this show may have made it easier to write something
about what is going to be there, rather than trying to write something
about nothing, of course. Subscribe to their mail list on email@example.com
Letter from Hoxton
SAATCHI VISITS STUCKISM INTERNATIONAL
Around noon today a black cab pulled
up outside 5 Charlotte Road, Shoreditch, and from it emerged Charles
Saatchi, "respected the world over as a collector and curator"
(Stella Vine, curated and collected by Charles Saatchi), but "not...
in a dominant position" (Office of Fair Trading), and his
wife domesticated goddess, Nigella Lawson, "beautiful, even
more gorgeous than she looks on TV" (entranced neighbour).
walked a couple of doors down to Stuckism International and stood
there reading the window display, most of which was fortunately
about Charles Saatchi, particularly a large placard proclaiming
STUCKIST ART IN 2001 IS SAATCHI ART IN 2004, a cutting from the
Independent and the Stuckist Manifesto.
The couple then returned to their cab with its engine still running
and departed south, hopefully greatly heartened that not everybody
in Shoreditch pretends not to take them seriously.
gallery should of course have been open, which would have made
things more interesting, but the Stuckists' "contemptible
leader" (Cathy Lomax, respected owner of Transition Gallery)
was dawdling upstairs with a cup of coffee doubtless too busy
talking about Charles Saatchi to notice he was standing outside
on the pavement. Von Stuck is not impressed with Thomson's lame
protest: "He could have rung the bell if he'd wanted."
Thomson doesn't seem to realise that collectors respected the
world over don't know how to ring bells as they are used to doors
being opened for them all the time. Thomson was later seen drinking
champage in a Japanese bar in South Kensington with a woman far
too young and attractive for him.
story was reported in The Independent on Tuesday 18 May with the
title 'Saatchi stuck in street'..
The Stuckism Gallery, with further details of the window display,
Cathy Lomax blog spot with attitude ("Stuckists... will be
given the...attention that they deserve") here
Charles Saatchi Gallery (which opens so much it's open even when
they say it's not open) here
COMPARE THE SHARK TIME AGAIN
Three lovely photos of sharks, including
Damien's and Stuckism's (the original one) on http://cumulo-nimbus.blogspot.com,
which is a good excuse to remind you of our our SHARK SPOT THE
DIFFERENCE COMPETITION here.
VINE COMES OUT FIGHTING
Herr Von Stuck is delighted to report
that Stella Vine, the former Stuckist, has come out with fists
flailing in her Blogspot, denying she owes anybody anything ever
(apart from the man who runs Hampstead School of Art) especially
the Stuckists, above all Charles Thomson, but artistically not
even Billy Childish, that the Stuckists are to blame for most
of the sins of mankind, even Adam's fall from the Garden of Eden
(OK, she didn't actually say that), and that she is a stand-alone
genius who doesn't owe anybody anything ever especially the Stuckists
[you're repeating yourself here. Shut up - Ed]
Stella Vine's disappearing blog spot
In the blue corner: Stella
Vine on the Stuckists and Stella Vine (Stella Vine blog 6
NB This blog was on the web during May. Then it was then taken
down and put back up several times with minor revisions. It is
currently down (12.6.04). Our link is to the Google cache of it.
More blog entries (also removed) are on Google here.
[forget it - the whole lot's gone now - Ed, 16.9.04] There is
of one version.
In the red corner: the Stuckists
on Stella Vine and the Stuckists
VINE'S ART GOES DOWNHILL
something else for Cathy Lomax, the "shadowy 'gallerista'/Svengali"
(it's OK to say that because she likes it) to be displeased about.
If the new
painting , a version of Rachel, is anything to go by,
it would seem Stella Vine's work is going rapidly downhill. The
idea is fine with the fox in the foreground, and the dripping
blood works well, but the overall effect is a mishmash and looks
as though it was done too quickly without sensitivity to the emotional
value of the colours. This was heralded by some other weak work
such as Belle
which was a deterioration from the first Rachel Whitear painting,
itself limp in comparison with the intensity of Hi
Paul, can you come over?.
would be a great shame if excessive media attention were to erode
artistic rigour, but it does happen. Vine at her best is a powerful,
inventive and expressive artist, and this is still present in
other work dated 2004 such as Stella
Spain and Ellenor
Wedding Dress. Her new show Prozac and Private Views
is 4-27 June 2004 at Transition.
LOMAX IS NOT PLEASED
Lomax, the founder of Arty magazine and intrepid proprietor of
Transition Gallery (which sold Stella Vine's Princess Diana painting
to Saatchi) is not pleased with the Stuckists. The apparent cause
of her ire is the piece on the MOT gallery immediately below this.
You can read all about it on her blogspot.
"As long as this terrible attitude continues Stuckists have
no place on the contemporary art scene". At least that's
one good thing.
Ms Lomax mentioned a show but missed out the important bit. Let
Von Stuck fill in the missing word: Honeymoon with the Stuckist
Stella Vine. As she asked, the show is available for private
viewing on request at Stuckism International. It should perhaps
be pointed out that Ms Vine gave her full endorsement to this
selection of work when it was first shown at the Rivington
Gallery in June 2002 with the title I
Need More Space and a painting of her, Woman in New
York, ("I really like it") in the front window.
She was in fact enthusiastic enough to drive round there and phone
Mr Thomson up at 1am after not speaking to him for nine months,
even after she had left the Stuckists in droves. The paintings
can be seen here.
PRESS RELEASE FROM MOT GALLERY
things arrive through the post and by email - the pseudo-intellectual
theorising that justifies works of art that aren't works of art
at all, as they wouldn't need all that crap if they were. The
latest is from MOT in Bethnal Green for an exhibition with the
nice title Russian Doll, which is then sabotaged a) by including
peope like Martin 'switching-lights-on-and-off, sticking-bluetack-on-the-wall'
Creed and b) talking about it in such a way it makes you want
classic example describes the selected artists: ''Each has been
chosen because their practice extends beyond mere object making,
each having an interest in the post production of their work and
thus allowing it to become more receptive to the notion of accommodation'.
So there you go - they're going to build hotels.
book a room contact firstname.lastname@example.org
SAATCHI IS A CUNT, HIS GALLERY IS SHIT AND HIS ARTISTS ARE ALL
FUCKED - WHO SAID IT?
extraordinary answer is Charles Saatchi in a fit of temper (well
we're all human) to Adrian Searle, art critic of the Guardian,
as a suggestion for what Searle's review might say. One can only
admire Mr Saatchi's soul-bearing in public in this way. The man
has gone up in our estimation.
HAS PETER MCARDLE LOST IT COMPLETELY?
is the urgent question we are sadly forced to ask. Has isolation
in Gateshead (he is founder of the Stuckist group there) and too
many visits to the Baltic finally separated sense from reality.
Judge for yourself. Peter has recently emailed to urge we visit
www.rathergood.com, pretending it's his children who like it.
If you want an example of what we're worried about click here
(that does look like Wolf Howard in the background). [My favourite
one - Ed.] If you then trust him enough to view his paintings
it seems Peter's second favourite site is - wait for it - The
Framley Examiner. We should warn you that it proclaims boldly
on its home page "WANTED experienced web designer to build
online version of local newspaper. Call Framley 984 006".
However, the following text more than makes up for that: "Welcome
to the authorised website of the Framley Examiner, Framley's traditional
favourite since 1978. The Framley Examiner serves the people of
Framley, and the surrounding villages - out as far as Whoft to
the north and St Eyots to the north-east and Wripple to the north."
The current lead story is "Bus Lane confused with bus lane,"
written by Jesus. [I think this is a spoof site - Ed.] Go to www.framleyexaminer.com
- Independent on Sunday
STELLA VINE HITS BACK AT THE STUCKISTS
a diary story two days previously in the Independent, saying
it was the Stuckists who discovered Stella Vine long before Saatchi,
the new Saatchi darling attempts to distance herself from her
shady Stuckist past in Answer the Questions! in the
Independent on Sunday (Life, p7).
How did you decide to become an artist and what inspired you?
A: A wonderful ex-boyfriend, Ross, always said I should
be a painter. I have always done crazy doodles..... (I) went to
some evening classes at Hampstead School of Art, and I did some
life and portrait painting. I loved it. I met the Fascists (sorry
The Stuckists!) and I learnt about art by default. It made me
look in the opposite direction to what they were advocating. They
said I didn't have to agree with them, just to like painting and
want to put on shows. Things went too far when I briefly married
Charles Thomson, which was an utter disaster! Fortunately, I quickly
realised that none of this was right for me and I then became
involved in some artist-run galleries in East London. Also a lot
of my art education has taken place in the Serpentine Gallery
it then. Stella looked in the opposite direction, which is why
she is now doing conceptual art... hang on a mo, she isn't. Well,
never mind. She is nothing if not an innovator and has introduced
a new definition of Fascists into the dictionary, namely people
who say you don't have to agree with them. By the way, the Longman
Dictionary definition of 'default' is 'a failure to pay debts',
though we have a suspicion that this word also is long overdue
P.S. to worried prospective members of Stuckism: it is not, despite
Stella's conviction to the contrary, a requirement of membership
to marry Charles Thomson, briefly or otherwise.
PRIVATE EYE AND SIR NICHOLAS SEROTA'S UNFORTUNATE ANAGRAM
It has not escaped von Stuck's eagle eye that a letter from a
Stuckist has appeared in the current issue of Private Eye (20
Feb - 4 March 2004, page 14). Charles Thomson writes:
"Sir, I notice that an anagram of 'Sir Nicholas Serota' reads
'Is Nic art or asshole'? In which category does Sir Nicholas fall?
I think we deserve to be told. Hold on a minute: I think I've
worked it out."
has it that the shady figure of Billy Childish may have been a
contributing influence to the sending of this letter and even
its text. You will note that Mr Childish has previously released
a song titled 'Art or Arse' about the Turner Prize. Suspicious
or what? Info and lyrics are here.
POLICE RAID ON STUCKISM THE PORN SHOP
Herr von Stuck would like to assure you this is not as bad (or
as good) as you may think. It is true that on the above date passers-by
see 'Films, Books, Mags XXX Erotica' advertised in the window
of Stuckism International, and indeed the police swooping, but
they are curiously driving 'Z cars' and dressed in sixties uniforms,
and, ahem, actors in a BBC drama which is making use of the front
of the building as a set. 'The Long Firm', a four-part sixites
gangster series will be screened in the Autumn. Watch out for
'porn shop'. Preview photo here.
ELLA GURU WORST FOR WEAR IN CUBA
Ella Guru and husband Sexton Ming have just returned from an intrepid
two weeks in Cuba, where they got so 'fed up with heat and hassly
people in the street', that the only recourse was to work through
all the daiquiris they could find. Unfortunately she then fell
over in the street and is now badly bruised.
HOXTON GALLERY OWNER SUED FOR FIVE BILLION POUNDS
Harold Werner Rubin, lovable irascible eccentric 75 year old New
Yorker, Director of the Rivington Gallery in Hoxton was a little
surprised when he received his quarterly gas bill for £5,800,542,335,
which he less surprisingly failed to pay. British Gas then informed
him they would be applying for a warrant 'to force entry to your
property'. Harold has been capitalising on it to the full with
a story in The Times and national TV news coverage.
14 MEN ON TOILETS, A DRAG QUEEN AND A SAILOR ENGAGED IN A LEWD
PUBLIC SEX ACT. WHAT?
This, believe it or not, was a question on the BBC News web site
end of year quiz last December.
The optional answers were:
A: Chapter one of Will Self's novel Dorian
B: The Stuckist Movement's protest against the Turner Prize outside
C: The English National Opera's production of Verdi's Un Ballo
wasn't us, honest. We're pointing the finger at the ENO.
MARK QUINN ATTACKS STUCKISM
We have observed for the last four years a curious phenomenon
that those notable exponents of conceptual/Brit Art who are usually
(and literally on occasion) prepared to bend over backward to
get media exposure are nowhere to be seen when it comes to requests
for a serious stance on art when the Stuckists are in the vicinity.
has been the case with studio debates on prestigious national
radio and TV programmes and articles in the more reputable national
for the record then, we would like to point out the exception
in the case of Mark Quinn, Brit Artist and best known for a sculpture
of his head made out of his own blood (which melted when one of
Charles Saatchi's workmen pulled the plug on the refrigeration
comment on Stuckism was, "It's a red herring. Restrictive
and Luddite." That at least gives us a starting point for
examining the issues.
analysis of his own work was, "It may use scientific methods
but it is also about emotion."
accolade for this scoop goes to Helen Smithson in the Hampstead
and Highgate Express. Read it
ARE YOU IN OR OUT OF LOVE?
web site was recommended to Herr von Stuck by a hardened cynic
who was moved to tears by it, schmalzy though it is (but then
hardened cynics usually are moved to tears by such things). Stuck
has to admit that he himself felt a little lachrymose by the end
of it. It may not be great art or even art in the slightest, but
it strikes a chord somewhere. The link is dedicated to all those
currently in or out of love, especially in North London of course.
Get a tissue and click on http://www.funnywebsite.com/love.shtml
(the site has now unfortunately changed 22.3.04)
back to top
"CHARLES SAATCHI, TRACEY EMIN, THE STUCKISTS AGREE"
Von Stuck was actually aware of this, but was keeping it quiet,
but now the untimely alliance is out of the bag. The
New Criterion states unequivocally, "Charles Saatchi,
Tracey Emin, the Stuckists agree". What exactly has brought
these people into one camp? What exactly do they agree on at last?
Ha! No surprises here - "2002 Turner Prize stinks."
Sir Nicholas Serota's outstanding achievement of mounting a Turner
Prize Show which was even worse than last year's (and that in
turn worse than the year before) could have done it. Damn the
STUCKISM: TWO IN A MILLION
Shucks, folks. Herr Von Stuck was chuffed to discover a Google
search of 'found art movement' showed 1,390,000 pages with Stuckism
at number two. [Surely the story is if it's one in a million.
Can we lay off the stats for a bit - Ed.]
13 November 2002
STUCKISM LEADS: WHITE CUBE FOLLOWS (AGAIN)
In 1999 the Stuckists move to Hoxton. In 2000 the White Cube
moves to Hoxton.
order of events was noted by The New York Times: "Besides
White Cube2, there is the older 108 Gallery, which has been something
of a flagship for the Stuckists."
In the summer
of 1999 the Stuckists are "a revolution waiting to happen"
(The Times) by proclaiming that painting is the radical way forward.
Six months later Jay Jopling's White Cube Gallery (which represents
Damien Hirst and Tracey Emin) usher in "a revolutionary
spirit" by promoting painting.
2002 the Stuckists manifest their antipathy to White Wall Galleries
in the Stuckism International Centre by painting the walls a deep
maroon with subdued lighting and a homely fragrant touch of burning
months later in the new Chapman Brothers show the gleaming white
walls of the White Cube Gallery have become deep brown walls of
the presumably now Brown Cube Gallery. The lighting is in near
darkness. And there is a pleasant fragrance of burning incense.
they will be attacking the Turner Prize. [PS from the Ed: erm,
see gossip 10 Dec]
NUMBER 1 OUT OF 594,000
Herr Von Stuck
was delighted to find that a search on google.com for "latest
art movement" yielded 594,000 results and that top of the
list was, ahem, Stuckism. A search for "Nicholas Serota"
also proved interesting...
SINGLE A HIT SOMEWHERE IN CANADA
Yes, it's true! Last year's Stuckist single (Art or Arse) climbed
to number 24 in CJSF College Radio Station in Vancouver. Details
of station as follows (from www.chartattack.com):
CJSF 93.9 Cable FM - Attn. Ed BlakeSimon Fraser U., T.C. 216Burnaby,
BC V5A 1S6. PH/Tél: (604)291-3727 -- FAX/Télécopieur:
(604)291-3695. email/courriel: email@example.comTracking:Tuesday
PS The single also made the playlist for May 18 2001 on Jon Bernhardt's
Breakfast of Champions Program (WMBR Radio 88.1 FM, Cambridge,
10 August 2001
STELLA VINE GETS MARRIED
The following story appeared in the Evening Standard Londoner's
Diary on 20 August 2001. As we are currently lost for words we let
it speak for itself:
Charles Thomson, co-founder of the anti-Brit art
group The Stuckists, has just returned from New York where he
married fellow Stuckist Stella Vine after a two-month whirlwind
"She went down on bended knee to me and we flew into New York
the Tuesday before last and on Wednesday we were married," Thomson
However on Thursday matters took a turn for the worse. "She wanted
a divorce - on Friday she trashed our hotel suite and on Saturday
The couple did not reunite until they met at the East India Club
in St James's Square one week later. "I think this is it," concludes
Thomson. "At the rate things are going, this is a marriage to
CROMPTON GETS YOUNGER ALL THE TIME
Joe Crompton, famed initial promoter of Stuckism at Gallery 108,
was refused a packet of Rizlas at a Reading kiosk this weekend.
"Are you old enough?" he was asked, "you have to
"I'm 26," replied Crompton hopefully. As usual his charm
won the day. By the way, has anyone actually seen his birth certificate?
GIRLS GIGGLE ON E4 TV
One of The Evening Standard Hot Tickets TV choices for 15 June
was 'Nu Skool' on e4, which featured our very own 'giggly girls'
Katherine and Susan. Other Stuckist luminaries are interviewed;
scenes of the clown demo at the Tate, and the Pure Gallery show
are included. The write-up deserves ample quotation:
"'The show that spots people on the up' seems to find people
that are already there. This week, two jammy Camberwell Art Students
- who you might call yer classic art students: very twee and fashion-conscious
- are exhibiting for the tenth time with the Stuckists"
BIG HIDDEN PICS ON THE SITE
Wasn't sure where to put this, so here it is. Anyone wanting to
use these large jpegs, we'll appreciate you telling us. And if
you don't - we have WAYS of finding out.
''Pelican Crossing' by Sexton Ming
and Ella Guru
''Captain William Wade' (after Gainsborough)
by Charles Thomson
''Sir Nicholas Serota Makes an Acquisitions
Decision' by Charles Thomson
''I'm a Weak Man' by Billy Childish
back to top
CAUGHT IN THE ACT
Like all good politicians, Charles Thomson has been appearing
in the oddest places. Herr von Stuck got this from Chuck today:
Then, Bottom right: click 'go to number'. Box comes up. Type in
And who's that pretty young thing on his arm?
THE TURNIP PRIZE
Herr von Stuck has been surfing the internet and was highly delighted
to chance upon The Turnip Prize, which is the response of the
management and regulars of The George Hotel, Wedmore, Somerset
to the Tate Gallery's own similar-sounding award. As one reads
their description, the similarities increase:
Turnip Prize is a crap art competition...You can enter anything
you like, but it must to be rubbish."
Von Stuck has nothing but praise for this brave initiative and
recommends an excursion to: www.theturnipprize.co.uk
WALLPAPER FOR YOU
the sort for your bedroom, the sort on the screen of your computer.
Here's how to get it. Click www.superhumanism.com,
then Real Turner Prize Show html (or flash if you're up to it),
then a click on Sir Nicholas Serota's bright red knickers (you'll
see what I mean - nothing to get alarmed about). This will take
you to a page where on the left is a reproduction of The Stuckists
book cover and Joe Machine's Diana Dors with an axe painting (feel
free to get alarmed at this point if you wish). Right click on
the picture. This should bring up a boring Microsoft-grey box
with an option "Set as Wallpaper". Just left click on that option.
Don't think about it. Do it.
When you next get back to the main screen of your computer, you
will be horrified to see it covered with fifteen or so copies
of the cover, whose text of course makes the superimposed icons
completely confusing and impractical. You will also have an embarrassing
public display of some form of connection to the Stuckist movement.
But hey, look, just carry it off with a cool post-modern ironic
stance on the whole business.
Now can anyone tell me how to remove the damn thing and get my
nice fluffy clouds back?
ELSA GETS IT IN PARLIAMENT
Elsa Dax, founder of the Paris Stuckists, will soon be the object
of attention of hot, sweating MPs. An exhibition of her mythological
paintings is now installed at Westminster Gym. (Her last show
was at a gym in Covent Garden - what does it all mean?). Regrettably
membership is not open to members of the public.
JOE MACHINE: SEX! SEX! SEX!
We have just been informed since writing the above title
that this is a gross misrepresentation of a deep and loving relationship
that has developed between Stuckist stuck-in-Sheppey Joe "I breed
Rottweilers" Machine and young Charlotte spikey-hair-girl Gavin
who wandered into a photo shoot of the entire Stuckist group at
the Pure Gallery on 28 October ("I remember it well" she says)
as part of a college expedition into the wildest East End and
has not looked back since. That was a long sentence.
WOLF HOWARD SEX! SEX! SEX!
It seemed like to good a title
to only use once. That sexy minx Miss Rachel Jordan has taken
Mr Wolf Howard in hand and more true romance has blossomed.
SEXTON MING SEX! SEX! SEX!
Yes, they're all at it, these
Stuckists. Nuptials are forthcoming between the ineffable Ming
and the alluring vamp Ella Guru, formerly of Voodoo Queens.
STUCKISTS MING, GURU AND CASTLE IN CARAVAN ORGY
gig! Unlike some people who bring their beach hut to the gallery,
Stuckists Ming, Guru and Castle will be taking their paintings
camping. The 3 day Wild Weekend in Camber Sands (3-6 November)
will feature dozens of garage bands (60's, that is, not House),
record and clothing stalls, a small exhibition and miniature golf.
The event mainly caters to Mods (yikes!) and other 60's fans,
and is most likely now sold out. Let's hope the next spout of
hurricaines doesn't hit Pontins.
ELLA GURU MEETS SIR NICHOLAS SEROTA
And what a timely meeting indeed!
Whilst shopping for Sushi at Waitrose on a Sunday morning, Miss
Guru spotted a man who very much resembled Sir Nicholas Serota.
He was rail thin, as described in a recent report from Ranko
Bon, but she could not be sure until she phoned Charles Thomson
who informed her that Sir Nicholas Serota does indeed live in
the same area as she does. Upon reaching the checkout, Miss Guru
finally mustered the courage to greet the Tate director. He was
polite and friendly, and said he was on his way to see the Stuckist
exhibition, the Real Turner Prize 2000.
(Miss Guru's full
journal entry if anyone's interested.)
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THOMSON UPSETS RANKO
From the original postcard
terrorist's email list:
"THE REAL TURNER PRIZE (October
"Nick," I hugged Serota when I spotted him in the crowd at the
Turner Prize opening at Tate Britain this evening, "it's wonderful
to see you!" I was in one of my expansive moods, but I was genuinely
glad to see him. He appeared pleased to see me, too. "Ah," I grabbed
him by his bony shoulders, "when I look at you like this, I cannot
but see Charles Thomson's portrait of you, which I saw last night
at the Real Turner Prize Show in Shoreditch." I emphasized the
word "real" with all my might. "Yes," Nick beamed back at me without
even blinking, "I must see it!" Christ, I am so angry with Charles.
I wanted to introduce him to Nick, but the scoundrel failed to
show up at Millbank at six-fifteen this evening, as we agreed
last night. I had even sent a message to the Tate to tell them
that Lauren was in the States, and that I would come instead with
a friend of mine, a co-founder of Stuckism."
Stuckists Miss Guru and Miss Castle, who
run their own private email terrorism (in which they are the only
members of the list. sort of.) have been speculating that Thomson's
absence may have had to do with a certain dark haired woman he
was seen with after the opening of the Real Turner Prize Show
2000 at the Pure Gallery.
Addendum (October 26, 2000)
Charles' apologises to Mr Bon:
"Grovel, grovel, grovel. I am sorry
I left you standing outside the Tate. I only had three hours
sleep last night. On the go all day. Looking forward to meeting
you. Late in the afternoon I had a very good press contact to
feature the whole group, but I had to get them all together
in two days. Then another enquiry from BBC. Then I look at my
watch. Oh my god, I am never going to get there anywhere near
on time. And I have to finish arranging above stuff—which I
have to get done. Erk. Just have to hope Ranko will understand,
as I was so looking forward to being Mrs. Bon for a night, so
to speak. It looks like another three-hour sleep tonight."
There was more more but you must join
the list to get in on the action.
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THOMSON'S ANGELS SEEN AGAIN?
Charles Thomson, in keeping up with
valuable research (i.e. confirming that Brit is still Brit shit)
was spotted by one of our secret spies in the Saatchi Gallery
2 weeks ago. To quote the anonymous source, "[Charles] was with
two (hmm maybe three.. ) nice looking young ladies. i don't think
he picked them up in the gallery because they were in the queue
with him. at one point he was strolling around one on each arm.
(hmm maybe it was only two ). i thought i heard him ask them back
to his flat to view his etchings, though i cant be totally sure."
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TATE INTELLIGENCE SHOW - RECORD ATTENDANCES
The Tate Britain 'Intelligence' exhibition
promoted as the biggest ever mounted, seems to be breaking another
record as far as attendance to it is concerned - namely the lowest
on record, thus demonstrating there is rather more intelligence
amongst the general public than the art establishment might generally
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NIC REJECTS RANKO
Mr Nicholas Serota (we have removed
his knighthood because he insists on exhibiting such shit art)
has now asked to be removed from Ranko Bon's
email list and complains of being hectored. That we would have
thought to be the least of his worries. To actually be placed
on the wild hectoring Ranko's list, contact him at R.Bon@reading.ac.uk
He also sends postcards to selected honoured individuals (hemm
hemm!). Some of them are even worth reading.
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JOE CROMPTON LEAVES EVERYTHING
Joe Crompton, who keeps on bumping
into Tracey Emin at Liverpool Street station, has since closed
down his Gallery 108 and is now moving to Bath. Could there be
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23 September 2000
IS SEXTON LEAVING TOO?
Ming who paints delightful weird pictures, and is rumoured
to be a delightful weird person, is now threatening to leave Stuckism.
One of his complaints is its critical attitude towards Brit Art.
The term 'Brit Shit' was coined by Mr Ming.[ In fact the gripe
was Stuckism's critical attitude towards everything, and Mr Ming
has not softened his opinion about Shit Art. - Ed. ]
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ROYAL ACADEMY HORROR SHOW
What is truly horrifying about the
Royal Academy 'Apocalypse' show is that anyone can find it horrifying.
I kept on bursting into laughter at the thought that Exhibitions
Secretary Norman Rosenthal could actually seriously present the
exhibits as art.
The items on display seem to have lost
their way from other venues. Look, we are in a room of distorting
mirrors from Southend Pier. Now we are in Madame Tussauds with
a lifelike-yet-stilted waxwork of the pope. And suddenly I am
in the Games Workshop, where some exceptionally obsessive adolescents
have made a diorama of thousands of toy soldiers.
The distorting mirrors are no improvement
on Southend's simply because of the addition of a pretentious
slogan. The rock knocking over the pope is meaningless compared
with the actual assassination attempt which occurred. Oh, and
the mixture of Belsen with three-headed sci-fi monsters serves
only to diminish the power of both. If you want to see real horror
then visit the diorama of World War One trenches in the Imperial
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TRACEY EMIN & CHARLES SAATCHI - KISS AND SELL
We at Stuckism heaved a collective
sigh of relief that Tracey Emin's long-standing feud with Charles
Saatchi is now over (she didn't like him because his advertising
agency helped return Margaret Thatcher to power, and she doesn't
like Margaret Thatcher because, presumably, she used Charles Saatchi
as her advertising agent).
At first, cynics that we are, we thought
that the reunion was something to do with Saatchi paying £150,000
for the smelly old bed she exhibited in the Tate, but are pleased
to report that it is in fact because they met at a party. So smiles
all round really. (And she even seems to have forgiven Margaret
Thatcher - which she attributes to `growing richer', sorry `growing
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THE JUMPING CHINESE GENTLEMEN AT IT AGAIN
As you may have read in the papers
recently, the two Chinese gentlemen who did a naughty wee-wee
in the (fake) Duchamp urinal in Tate Modern, were the same as
the two Jumping Chinese gentlemen who jumped all over that bed
that someone exhibited in the old Tate last year, because they
thought they might win a £20,000 prize (I know, absolutely absurd,
We knew at that time one of the slogans
scrawled on their bodies was 'Anti-Stuckism'. What we have only
just seen in The Flummery
Digest was that they considered their action represented performance
art that exemplified the concept of Anti-Stuckism.
If their current action was carried out
in the same vein (so as to speak), it rather defeats its purpose,
as we have advocated the proper function of a urinal is for urination
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CHARLES THOMSON AND MYSTERY WOMEN
On Thursday night, 18 May, Charles
Thomson was seen cavorting around Soho with three lovely long-legged
ladies, dubbed "Charlie's Angels" though one of them reported
they were not in fact Thomson's angels. Could have fooled us,
When asked to comment at Folkstone on
Saturday (20 May), Chuck merely grinned and said they "went to
a few clubs."
Anyone with any more information or gossip
on Mr Thomson, please email firstname.lastname@example.org
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18 April 2000
TRACEY EMIN AND A MYSTERY MAN
In case you were wondering, Tracey,
about the identity of the bright-eyed, shaven-headed, dapper (and
cheeky) young man who bounded past you with a cheery 'hello' (and
to whom you replied with the same word in fact) outside the Suchi
Bar in Liverpool Street Station around 9.15pm on Monday (17 April),
it was none other than our very own Joe Crompton, owner of the Gallery
108, pioneer of Stuckist shows.
He said you looked sad and lonely, so
we hope everything's OK. If you had hung around for another couple
of hours you would have bumped into old chums Sexton and Charles
(with Ella and Rachel) on the way back from the private view at
the Red Dot Gallery in Ipswich. Another time perhaps.
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JAY JOPLING AND WHITE CUBE COTTON ON TO STUCKISM
"A revolution waiting to happen,"
proclaimed The Times (26 Aug 99) of the Stuckists' condemnation
of conceptual art and advocation of painting as the way forward
The article ended, "The White Cube gallery
was unable to comment."
Six months later, according to the Telegraph
Magazine (19 Feb 00), "The new millenium has ushered in a revolutionary
spirit at London's White Cube Gallery".
What exactly is this cutting edge revolution
which the White Cube is setting in motion with fearless originality,
you might wonder?
It seems that its owner, Jay Jopling is
now "championing Neal Tait, a painter"... "whose paintings stand
out in a sea of conceptual art".
We are glad the message is getting through.
The trouble is, people only get half the story. The other bit,
Jay, is that the painting should be about emotional engagement,
content and communication.
Unfortunately Neal Tait's "deny any concept
of personality" (this seems to be seen as a positive quality).
If White Cubists would like to adopt any
more of our ideas, please try to get it right.
Now that painting is in the ascendant,
it is probably a good time to offload those fishes in formaldehyde
and bits of camping equipment while there are still people around
gullible enough to shell out the readies for them.
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SEROTA UPTIGHT AT INDEPENDENT
Nonie Niesewand at The Independent
is obviously no fool. Reviewing the Tate Modern architecture (10
April) she comments:
"Were those gigantic chains lying coiled
on the cement floor left over from building works - or were they
a priceless work of art?"
She is not one to be caught out that easily
and asked Sir Nicholas Serota if the load of a nearby lorry "really
was the special commission by Unilever for the Tate Modern" (a
'sculpture' by Louise Bourgeois). Apparently it was, but Sir Nicholas
"was quite annoyed".
Well, if he would only exhibit art that
looks like art, instead of art that looks like everything else
apart from art, people wouldn't take the piss out of him, would
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TATE PROMOTES ANTI-STUCKISM
First there was the Tate press officer
at the opening of the Turner Prize show, overheard by a journalist
to comment, "I'm sick of the Stuckists".
Then there were the two Chinese gentlemen
who jumped on Emin's bed (with it seems her prior assent) with
"Anti-Stuckism" scrawled on their back.
Now the Tate discussion forum has a message
from a certain Genesis D. Ivan who recommends a web site www.thenagual.freeserve.co.uk,
which turns out to be a spoof on the Stuckist web site.
Could Genesis D. Ivan just happen to be
an anagram for Sir Nicholas Serota?
[Ella Guru, websmistress (of knobs) must
comment here: er, sorry Chuck, but, anagram? Isn't that stretching
things a bit? As usual I will be asked to remove this comment
even though it doesn't mention nubile nymphettes or rubber suspenders.]
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TATE WANTS YOUR VIEWS!
The Tate, that great bastion of aesthetic
democracy, has a web site with a forum page and wants you to post
your views, comments and queries. We wholeheartedly endorse this
brave initiative and Charles Thomson has already posted news of
the 'Open Letter to Sir Nicholas Serota' with the opinion 'Let
us have debate on contemporary art, not monopoly'.
This was posted Mon 15 March at 3.40pm.
The previous message, two days earlier, is from Amie regarding
an A level textile project and, before that, from Christopher,
who owns a 'large early sporting oil'. Power to the people.
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THE ARTS CLUB
Stuckists and friends often meet
on a Thursday evening at The Arts Club in Dover Street, W1. This
is a private members' club: if you are interested in coming along,
email (preferably with a phone number) in the first instance to:
The Arts Club was founded in 1863 by Charles
Dickens and his friends. Other early members included Whistler,
Swinburne and Pre-Raphaelites Rossetti and Millais. Degas, Monet
and Rodin were also visitors.
[Ella Guru, webmistress, has been restricted
from making any comments on this 'gossip' page. However, she would
like to add that The Arts Club is a wonderful place where you
will meet interesting people and drink decently priced booze in
a comfortable and stimulating environment.]
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GARY HUME'S CRAP
You've got to hand it to David
Lee, editor of Art Review. The man is a critical genius. He does
in one word what most of the critics fail to do in 1,000, namely
to penetrate to the core of Gary Hume's work. What does our hero
say? Crap. Just the word I had in mind. To tell you the truth,
I'm a bit verbose and it took me twice as many words as Mr Lee.
My version - superficial crap.
With an art magazine that has a two page
spread headlined ARTBOLLOCKS, quoting catalogue explanations of
conceptual work you can't really go wrong.
The only worry is what he's going to say
about Stuckism one day.
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STUCKISM ON COURSE
Apparently Stuckism is part of
a contemporary art module at London's Central School of Art.
At St Martin's College in Lancashire,
the manifesto has been put up on the wall by the sculpture tutor.
Rumours that some Camberwell firebrands
are not only doing 'Stuckist' paintings (that's the end of their
careers) but about to start a Students for Stuckism group.
The Stuckists have already been included
in a Royal College of Art lecture that compared Childish and Emin
- and asserted the latter was - wait for it - 'stuck' (in conceptualism).
As it all takes hold more and more at
grass roots level, the boycott of Stuckism by the national art
critics, only means the latter will increasingly diverge from
the reality of artistic concerns in the country. Is it called
ivory tower or denial or what.
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MATTHEW COLLINGS MISSES OUT
A classic case is the normally prescient and seemingly omniscient
Matthew Collings, whose diary in Modern Painters magazine describes
the Chinese gentlemen jumping on Tracey Emin's bed in the Tate.
It is illustrated with a colour photo of one of them, on whose
back can be seen in red the slogan "Anti-Stuckism".
Ha! So what is Matthew, the great commentator's
comment on this one? Actually,there is no comment. No, not a word,
not a dicky bird. The slogan might have been reported in The Telegraph
and announced in The Guardian, but as far as Matthew is concerned,
it doesn't exist, along with Stuckism and everything to do with
Stuckism. Stuckism is just not there, and even if it is, it certainly
has no relevance or bearing on anything that matters in the art
world - not even as another point of view, because it expresses
a point of view which you are not allowed to express, namely questioning
the whole foundation of the current conceptual edifice, and in
particular the status of anyone with whom Matthew might, for example,
travel to Norway. Like Tracey Emin, for example. All of this is
known as academic objectivity, just in case you ever needed an
example of the term in action.
Look, I admit I was going a bit over the
top there about critics and poor Matthew. These people are not
stupid you know. Consider the dilemma. To approve a group that
is attacking all the things that have been praised for the last
ten years would be admittedly trail-blazing but could result in
being left out in the cold and would anyway require something
of a volte-face. (Only Tracey Emin with her remark `It's a good
healthy thing' [The Times, 2.10.99] has been clumsy enough to
undermine herself with a misjudged attempt at pre-emption.)
On the other hand, to come straight out
with it, stick to one's guns and condemn this insurgent group
would be a very dangerous undertaking for anyone with even a smattering
of art history. It could result in as much egg on face as weatherman
Michael Fish's famous 1987 prediction of no hurricane, hours before
England was wrecked with a hurricane.
As Catherine Milner put it in her column
in Tatler (March 2000): "Critics are not usually remembered by
history - unless they were famously proved wrong. The Impressionists,
Van Gogh, Manet and Courbet are among those who have become hallowed,
almost deified, for defying the critics, those pompous know-alls
who showed they were no good at doing their job, while pillorying
others for doing theirs."
Go on, punk, make my day. Oh alright then,
sit on the fence and see which way the wind blows first.
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